Lord of the Rings: Juppongatana Style
by April-san
Summary: Total and absolute insanity, if you can’t figure it out from the title. Hiko! Stop playing with my digital camera! Soujirou…Is that MY toothbrush?! What’s an author to do? I have to find some way to keep these characters busy or they’ll destroy my


Teaser: Total and absolute insanity, if you can't figure it out from the title. Hiko! Stop   
playing with my digital camera! No smoking in the house, Saito! You too, Shishio!   
Yahiko, I hope you're going to pay for that lamp! Ken-san, you don't have to do that. I   
do have a washing machine downstairs. A Washing Machine! And where did you get   
my unmentionables?! Just sit down and watch TV! A little more blush and you'll be   
fine, Yumi. Kamatrai, please don't borrow and alter my clothes without asking.   
Soujirou…Is that MY toothbrush?! Well, what's an author to do? I have to keep these   
characters busy or they'll destroy my home.  
  
I do not own Rounoui Kenshin nor do I own Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring,   
because if I did I would not be writing this kind of stuff, de garzou. Well, maybe I   
would, but we will never know, now will we, because I really don't own them. I'm doing   
this just for my love of RK and LOTR, all in fun, so please don't sue me. ^_^x  
If you haven't seen the LOTR or the RK Kyto Arc, why are you reading this? Okay.   
This is the customary warning of spoilers ahead.  
Just so you know, the action within the *s is the author trying to direct the cast. Some   
characters respond well to orders, with some it would have been easier to use the   
eggplant for tonight's supper. And, please forgive the inaccurate Japanese sentence   
structures. I've only been seriously studying Japanese for about a month, now. Shesha   
no baka deshi.  
  
*The author sat down at the computer with a huge can of Diet Dr Pepper, bunny slippers   
on her feet, and her favorite CD in the player. She cracked her knuckles and looked at all   
the characters standing around, staring at her.*  
  
"Please don't tell me this is going to be another one of your hentai stories, April-san, de   
garzou." A flying used printer ribbon cartridge hit Kenshin on the forehead and he fell   
over with an "Oro…".  
  
*The author evilly grinned. "No. This is a crossover."*  
  
"With which one this time?"  
  
*The author nodded at Hiko. "Ever see Lord of the Rings?"*  
  
The entire group groaned.  
  
"It's been done," compained Yahiko.  
  
*"Not like this." The author rubbed her hands in anticipation. "Trust me. It's going to   
be great." She started to type…*  
  
***  
  
Lord of the Rings: Juppongatana Style  
By April-san  
  
It began with the forging of the great sakabato, the reverse blade sword which turned   
battousai to rounoui, from manslayer to homemaker with excellent cooking skills. Yet, it   
was not enough to save the Great Lord KenSuran. For his heart was stolen by the Great   
Lady Kaoru, and she demanded a Great Ransom. The Great Lord KenSuran scoured all   
of Middle-earth's Great Supercenters and yet could not find what the Great Lady Kaoru   
desired Most Greatly. Along his journey he made many Great Friends and many Great   
Enemies, including the Great Juppongatana.  
  
"Baka no Kenshin!" screeched Kaoru as she hit him on the head with her wooden sword.   
"All I want is a ring!"  
  
A ring! Yatta! Yet, to be suitable for the Great Lady Kaoru, it could not be any ordinary   
ring. It had to be a Great Ring!  
  
But, they were all deceived. For the Great Lord KenSuran purchased the Great Ring and   
poured his love and being into it, making it the most powerful ring in all of Middle-earth.  
  
But, before he could give it to the Great Lady Kaoru, it was lost.  
  
"Honestly Kaoru-Dono, it was right here in my pocket, de garzou!"  
  
"Kenshin!!"  
  
"Oroooo…"  
  
The ring was found by the creature Saito-  
  
Saito raised one eyebrow at the author and drew his sword. "Aku! Soku! Z-"  
  
*"Okay! Okay! Not Saito!" Author looked over the remaining cast of characters.*  
  
The ring was found by the creature Aoshi.  
  
Aoshi blinked. "…"  
  
*"Come on, Aoshi, say it!"*  
  
He sighed and spoke in the plainest tone he could manage. "…my…precious…"  
  
*The author squealed in delight. "Kwaii!"*  
  
But the ring abandoned Aoshi and fell into the most unexpected hands.  
  
"Uh, huh, um, uh-"  
  
*"Sorry, Iwanbo, you're just too dumb for this part."*  
  
"Uh, huh, uh…"  
  
"What's this?" Hoji found the ring on the floor. "A ring?! I must tell Shishio-sama!!"  
  
*The author rolled her eyes.*  
  
"The ring? Where is that ring?" Aoshi softly called out. "I was going to give the ring to   
Misou."  
  
A collective "Awww…" was heard from the audience.  
  
"I'm not really certain WHY she wants it so badly."  
  
*The author boggled at the thought of Aoshi giving Misou a ring and not really knowing   
the significance. "Well, I'm not an unreasonable person. Is there something we can use   
in stead the ring?"*  
  
Aoshi looks around. "My twin kodachi?"  
  
*The author pondered the thought of Lord of the Twin Kodachi. "I don't think it will   
work. Everyone will think this story is about just you."*  
  
Aoshi rummaged through his pockets. "I have a stick of chewing gum."  
  
*Author pondered Lord of the Chewing Gum and winced in pain. *  
  
The former leader of the Oniwabanshu then pulled from his pocket a used Kleenex, set of   
toenail clippers, a yen note, and a pocket sized Shishio fan club membership. He looked   
sheepishly at the last item for a moment before hiding it away. "…holding it for   
Soujirou…" he mumbled under his breath.  
  
*"Aoshi-"*  
  
"No, wait. How about this?" Aoshi did a quick stepping with rhythmic footwork and   
threw his arms wide.  
  
*"Aoshi, I don't want to be sued by the people of Lord of the Dance, too! I'm sorry. We   
need to use the ring."*  
  
Aoshi sighed. "Okay." Sniffle. "I failed you again…Hannya…Beshimi…"  
  
*"Oh, God, not all this again. Now, where did Hoji go?"*  
  
"Shishio-sama! Shishio-sama! I have the ring!"  
  
"Excellent!" Shishio rubbed his hands together in glee. "Now we will be able to take   
over Japan in three years, not ten!" Shsihio threw back his head and laughed manically.  
  
*"You're in Middle-earth, not Japan!! And, Shishio, you're not on for another chapter!!"   
The author went outside, screamed, and came back in. "Hoji, you're suppose to give the   
ring to Frojirou."*  
  
"Shishio-sama is all powerful! Shishio-sama is invincible! Shishio-sama is-"  
  
*The author wrestled Hoji to the ground and finally yanked the ring from his hand.   
"Here, Soujirou. It's from your Uncle Hoji…who is going away for a while!" The   
author grabbed a flailing Hoji to keep him from the ring.*  
  
Soujirou blinked. "I do not understand how Hoji-san is still alive. He lost to you, April-  
san. The weak perish, the strong survive."  
  
*The author slapped her hand on her forehead. "That's right. Thanks for reminding me,   
Sou-chan!"*  
  
A mountain fell on Hoji. "Shishio-samaaaaaa!!"  
  
*"NOW can we get back to the story? No objections? Good. Now Soujirou you're   
going to have to destroy that ring in the fires of Mount Dojo."*  
  
"Destroy?" Soujirou looked puzzled. "So, this ring is weak?"  
  
*"No. It is the strongest ring in Middle-earth. It can control all the other rings."*  
  
"Ah. Like Shishio-san. But, if it is strong, it should live."  
  
*The author grabbed the ring from Soujirou's hand. However, after looking over the   
remaining cast of characters, handed it back with a sigh. "You're the most reliable of the   
Juppongatana and is about the size of a hobbit. I need you to do this."*  
  
"Hai, April-san!" He spoke with a grin.   
  
*"Now, I need a Gandalf-"*  
  
"I, Fujita Goro, would gladly take the coveted part of-"  
  
*"Saito, you didn't want the part of Gollum, so what makes you think I'm giving you the   
part of Gandalf?!"*  
  
Saito's eyes narrowed, he drew his sword, and stood in the Gatotsu Stance. "Aku! Soku!   
Za-"  
  
*The author let out a little squeak and hid behind Soujirou. "Okay! Okay! You can be   
Gandalf!" She sighed. "You're about the same age, anyway."*  
  
He lowered his sword. "Ahou-"  
  
*"Let's get back to the story."*  
  
Saito sneered at Soujirou. "I will meet you at the Battousai Inn, where the drinks are   
deadly, but it's the prices that will kill you." Saito walked away with a laugh.   
"Ahous…"  
  
*Sigh. The author rummaged through her notes and resisted another urge to scream.   
"Now, I'm having a problem picking out the other three hobbits."*  
  
"It's okay, April-san. If I put my mind to it, I can perform like all four hobbits."  
  
*The author took one look at the optimistic Soujirou and fell to the ground, sobbing.   
"WHY?! Why did I want to write this?! Why??!" After a moment, the author composed   
herself and randomly picked three Juppongatana to be the remaining three hobbits. She   
opened her eyes to find Henya scowling at her and Iwanbo looking as dumb as ever. "I   
don't understand, I choose three." She finally looked up and saw the final member   
towering over them. "Uh…a little tall for a hobbit, aren't you, Fuji?"*   
  
Fuji just smiled.  
  
*The author shook her head. "It's not going to work. You're just too tall. Sorry Fuji."   
She turns to the remaining characters. "Okay, who wants to be a hobbit? Raise your   
hand."*  
  
No one moved. The group refused to make eye contact with the author, many looked at   
their shuffling feet. It was just like a teacher asking for homework no one did.   
  
One finally stepped forward. "I'll-"  
  
*"Saito, you're already Gandalf so you can't also be a hobbit!"*  
  
"Humph," Saito scowled and stepped back.  
  
*"Someone?"*  
  
Silence.  
  
*"Anyone…?"*  
  
You could have heard a chopstick drop in that crowded room.  
  
"Do not worry, April-san. I can-"  
  
*"You be quiet Soujirou! No one wants to be the fourth hobbit? Anji? Hiko?"*  
  
"Do I look like a hobbit?" scowled Hiko, and he drank from the flask near his hand.  
  
*"Cho?"*  
  
"Boring."  
  
*The author can feel her eyes change to a bright golden. "Cho, do this or you're my next   
victim, er, main character in my next story."*  
  
Cho's eyes grew wide.  
  
*"Cho-erella." The author began to laugh manicly.*  
  
"Okay, okay, I'll do it. But, if something better comes along, I'm out of here."  
  
*"Agreed. Yatta! I got my characters set! Now, let's get this story going."*  
  
"Hai, April-san." Soujirou nodded then turned to the other hobbits. "We need to meet   
Gandalf-san at the Battousai Inn. Oh, yes, he wants us to pick him up a 'pack of smokes'   
and a gallon of milk on our way."  
  
Soujirou, Henya, and Iwanbo started on their journey. A moment later, Soujirou and   
Henya walked back in, grabbed Cho by the arms, and dragged him from the room.  
  
They walked and walked and walked and walked. However, they suddenly realized they   
were walking in the wrong direction, so they had to walk back and walk back and walk   
back and walk back. Then, they walked and walked and walked.  
  
A black shape in the corner of Soujirou's eye made him stop. "Go on ahead," Soujirou   
smiled at the other three hobbits. "I'll catch up." Soujirou tapped his toe on the ground   
and, with a huge smile, used his sku-kuchi ability. In an instant, he was at the side of the   
black and white rider. "Hello, horsie-san," he spoke to the black horse.  
  
"Oi," Sanosuke spoke from on top the horse. "Could you tell me the way to the   
Battosoui Inn? I was following some friends and they all got lost."  
  
"Hai!" The smile never wavered. "See that river over there? Just cross it and keep   
following the road."  
  
"Thanks kid. Oi! Saito! I found someone who knows the way!"  
  
Saito, also riding a black horse came into the clearing. "Well, it's the last time I follow   
you, Ahou."  
  
Soujirou nodded to Sanosuke. "Good luck, Black and White Rider-sans." And, with   
those words, he sku-kuchi-ed on his way.  
  
*"Okay, stop!" The author flew down on her cloud, from which she was watching.   
"Saito! I gave you the part of Gandalf. You can't also be a black rider!"*  
  
Saito raised one eyebrow. "Oh? You think you can control a Mibu Wolf?"  
  
*The author just winced. "And, Sanosuke, that was Soujirou!"*  
  
Sano blinked blankly.  
  
*"He's the one with the ring! He's the one you're after!"*  
  
"Dang. I'm hungry."  
  
*The author blinked. "What?!"*  
  
"When I get pissed, I get hungry. And, boy, am I pissed."  
  
*The cloud suddenly rose, stopping the author from throttling her characters. "I'll get   
you Sano…and your little Saito too!! Ha, ha, ha, ha…" The cloud flew off to give the   
author some 'time-out' time.*  
  
Sano glanced at Saito. "What got her panties in a bundle?"  
  
The other just shrugged and they continued on their way.  
  
Meanwhile, Soujirou caught up with the other three. "Konnichi-wa, hobbit-sans," he   
spoke with a smile.  
  
"Where have you been, Soujirou-sama?" asked Henya.  
  
"Just giving directions to some poor guys who wouldn't stop and ask. Are we almost   
there?"  
  
Cho, still pouting for being put in this part, had his arms crossed, a huge frown on his   
face, and refused to participate.  
  
"Maybe a mile, as the crow flies." Henya pointed down the road.  
  
"Ah, that's good. Cho-san's hair is starting to droop in this rain."  
  
"Nanni?!!" Cho quickly felt his hair, normally standing straight up, but now was   
beginning to bend to one side. "Ahh! Let's hurry!" He grabbed a smiling Soujirou's   
arm in one hand and a blank Iwanbo's in his other. In a heartbeat, he was pulling them   
down the dirt lane at an incredible speed.  
  
Henya just rolled his eyes and followed.  
  
The Battosoui Inn was barely more than a run-down bar with only a handful of illegal   
video gambling machines and only one dance floor.  
  
The hobbits looked in awe at the bright and flashing neon lights before making their way   
to the bar.  
  
"Excuse me, Bartender-san. We're looking for Gandalf. Is he here?"  
  
"Gandalf? Gandalf? Ah, yes. I remember now. Elderly chap, dressed like a policeman,   
cigarette in his mouth? Haven't seen him in six weeks."  
  
"Now what are we going to do?" wailed Cho.  
  
"I need a stiff drink," snapped Henya.  
  
It took Soujirou a long time to calm the sobbing Cho and find an empty booth. After   
peeling off some gum from the seat, he went to get everyone something to drink. "I don't   
understand," he shook his head as he set a tray of large mugs on the table. "I ordered   
sake but the bartender gave me these mugs with something called ale. He said it would   
put hair on my chest." Soujirou looked down. "Do I really want hair on my chest?"  
  
Cho rolled his eyes.  
  
"Just drink it, Soujirou-sama."  
  
The four just sat there, occasionally sipping their drinks, watching the strange characters   
lounging around the bar.  
  
"Hey," Cho's eyes suddenly brightened, "is this a gay bar?" He was quickly bombarded   
with stale pretzels and popcorn.  
  
Soujirou shook his head. "April-san said not to do anything to change this fic's ratting or   
she will do something really horrible to us." Soujirou shuddered, already knowing the   
dark side of the author.  
  
"Okay, okay. Let's not anger the great one." Cho rolled his eyes when he thought no   
one was looking. Well, one person was watching. Cho's hair suddenly turned a bright   
shade of green.  
  
Soujirou realized Henya was staring towards a dark end of the bar. "Henya-san, what is   
wrong?"  
  
"That man," hissed Henya. "That man in the corner. That man wrapped all in bandages.   
He's been staring at us all this time."  
  
Soujirou took one look at the man. "Shishio-san!!" He rushed to the bandaged man's   
side and glomped him.  
  
Shishio smirked. "Excellent! You have half the Juppongatana gathered already. All we   
need is the other half and we can start our take-over!"  
  
*The author took one look at the scene playing out, ordered a pint, and slammed it. With   
a nice head-rush, the author walked to the characters. "Guys, guys. You have it all   
wrong. You see that ring that Soujirou has?" hiccup "Do you? Well, as long as you   
have it, the Battousai will be after it." hiccup "It must be destroyed before you start your   
takeover or you won't have a chance."*  
  
Soujirou's eyes grew wide. "Shishio-san?"  
  
Shishio scowled at the ring in Soujirou's hand. "Well, we better get on with it, so I can   
take over the world." He led the group from the inn, laughing malevolently.  
  
Just like ducks, the hobbits followed Shishio.  
  
They traveled over the river and through the woods, from sea to shining sea. Er, well,   
they traveled a few miles before Cho got a blister on his foot and needed to be carried.   
They stopped at the first place they could find, an old watchtower.  
  
As Soujirou tended to Cho's potentially fatal wound, Shishio began to pace and check his   
watch.  
  
"Well, my big scene with Yumi coming up. Anyone have a Tictac? A Certs? Heck, I   
would settle for one of those strips that melt on the tongue. No? Okay, then. I'm off to   
get more bandages and breath mints. You four just stay here and keep quiet."  
  
Henya and Cho, once again, started their pouting for not having better parts. Iwanbo sat   
on the ground and started sucking his big toe.   
  
Soujirou was the only one who looked happy, but he always looked happy. "Okie dokie,   
Shishio-san."  
  
The four hobbits had a difficult time deciding what to do while waiting for Shishio. They   
started with some ghost stories, but scarred Cho so badly they had to stop. They then   
wanted to play pin the tail on the donkey, but no one could find a tail-less donkey nearby.   
They finally decided to do a dog barking contest, but realized it was a bad idea when four   
black and white riders appeared below them.   
  
"I think we've been spotted, hobbit-sans. It's the KenSuran-Gumi, the Black and White   
Rider-sans!"   
  
The four hobbits rushed up the convenient nearby stairwell that lead to the top of the   
watchtower. Unfortunately, the Black and White Riders were waiting for them.  
  
"You tricked me the first time, little hobbit, but this time I brought a secret weapon!"   
Sanosuke pulled out a covered dish, and, with a laugh, he opened the lid.  
  
Soujirou, unprepared for such a vile action, had no time to evade. He was hit, full force,   
with the effects of Kamiya Kaoru's secret cooking technique. Soujirou fell to the ground   
in a daze, smiling face pointed towards the twinkling stars.  
  
But, then Shishio was suddenly there, arms crossed, a grin foreboding a gruesome fate for   
those that disturbed his shopping trip.  
  
"AAAAH…!!" Sanosuke started to scream and point.  
  
"What is it, Ahou?"  
  
"It's the Mummy!! Can I get your autograph! I loved your movies…"  
  
Shishio finally turned to Sanosuske and shook his head. "Beat it, kid. You're out of your   
league."  
  
Yahiko had to grab Sanosuke to keep him from doing something he would regret the next   
morning. "W…What was that?!!"  
  
Saito shook his head. "Ahou, don't you get it? We're suppose to run in fear of him." He   
sniffed and used one hand to brush the air away. He scowled. "Well, I'll run in fear of   
his BO. Let's go. There's plenty of chances to get them later."  
  
"What are you talking about?!" Yashiko had stopped in mid step. "We have them right   
now!"  
  
Saito rolled his eyes. "Didn't you even look at the script? We get a better crack at them   
later. The Shinsengumi way."  
  
"Running in fear?"  
  
"Ahou! We'll get them when they least expect it and overwhelm them."   
  
"I thought that was the army theme."  
  
Yahiko looked like he was going to chew on someone's hair. "No, that's be all you can   
be. This is something else."  
  
"Just do it?" Sanosuke was hopless.  
  
Saito rolled his eyes. "That's Reebok."  
  
Yahiko stuck out his tongue. "Nike."  
  
"Nike?" Saito flicked some ash from his cigarette to the ground. "Are you certain?"  
  
"Of course I'm certain. I've seen more adds for that stuff than I can possibly count."  
  
*The author just sobbed as countless internet cease and desist orders, carried by ugly   
lawyers from powerful companies, magically appeared on her front door.*  
  
As the three bickered about pointless television ads, Aoshi just watched as Shishio and   
the hobbits made their escape. Aoshi sighed, shook his head, and headed back to his   
horse.   
  
"Is Soujirou-sama dying?" asked Cho, as they rested a safe distance away from the Black   
and White riders. "If he does, can I have his baseball card collection?"  
  
"We need to get him to old Saizuchi. If he could heal a forty foot giant, he should have   
no problem with Soujirou. In the meantime, we need to find some…tinfoil?"  
  
*"Kingsfoil!!"*  
  
Shishio rolled his eyes at the voice from the heavens. "We need to find some Kingsfoil, a   
weed. I hear it makes an excellent tea, good for female mood swings!"  
  
*"I heard that!"*  
  
"Why do you think I said it?!"  
  
The tip of a sword materialized against the neck of Shishio. "What's this? A ranger   
caught off his-" Yumi had no chance to finish as Shishio twisted around, knocked her   
sword from her hand, and embraced her in a passionate kiss.  
  
"What were you saying?" he finally spoke as he pulled away.  
  
A plastered grin was on her face. "Huh…well…uh…" She clamped her arms around his   
arm and rested her head on his shoulder.  
  
*The author waited for about ten minutes of this mushy stuff before stepping in. "Yumi,   
you should get going."*  
  
The young woman blinked at the author. "Okay. Let's go, Shishio-sama."  
  
*"Yumi! You're suppose to ride with Soujirou!"*  
  
"Boy-o can take care of himself. I want to ride with Shishio-sama!" She clamped her   
arms around Shishio's waist and glomped him.  
  
*Author rolled her eyes. "Well, I guess I could always give this part to Kamatrai."*  
  
Yumi gasped and her arms around Shishio tightened. "You wouldn't!"  
  
*"I will!"*  
  
She finally let go of Shishio's waist and climbed onto the horse. A dazed Soujirou, still   
smiling broadly at the oak tree nearby, was hefted before her.  
  
Yumi glared at the author. "If you let that cross-dressing freak near my Shishio-sama,   
I'll…I'll…"   
  
"It's okay. I'll make it up to you." Shishio took Yumi's hand and looked into her eyes.   
"Later, I'll show you my other secret sword technique."  
  
"Oh, Shishio-sama!" she squealed, and quickly rode off.   
  
*The author took more of her 'happy pills' in the corner. "This isn't turning out the way   
I thought it would…" she spoke to herself.*  
  
As the two riders rode as fast as they could down the path, suddenly they heard bickering   
behind them.  
  
"I'm glad I caught up with you guys and this fox."  
  
"Who are you calling a fox?!"  
  
"Well, what would you rather me call you? A woodchuck? A mongoose?"  
  
A female scream echoed though the woods sending shivers down Yumi's back. She   
gripped Soujirou tighter.  
  
"At least it's a better nickname than weasel girl over here."  
  
"Don't call me a weasel!!"  
  
"Sa, sa. Don't fight, de garzou."  
  
"At least busu isn't with us. She'd give us bad luck."  
  
"We're chasing after a cute young lady, right? I wonder if she likes older men?" Cat-  
calls were then heard.  
  
"Dirty old man. Right Aoshi-sama?"  
  
"…"  
  
"Ahous."  
  
"Saito-san? When did you cut your hair, Saito-san?"  
  
"Okita Soushi?! What are you doing here?! I thought you were dead!"  
  
"The author said I will always live in her heart."  
  
Another "Awww…" was heard from the audience.  
  
"Anyway, the author really hates Yotaro and she needed a ninth rider."  
  
"Do you know how hard it is to drink sake riding a horse, Baka Deshi? Oops…"  
  
"Master!"  
  
"At least you smell better. Do you remember way back when you were sprayed by that   
skunk and you ran around like a chicken stripping off your clothes?"  
  
"MASTER!!"  
  
Yumi heard them get closer and closer. Suddenly, the black and white riders were on   
them. Yumi spoke to her white stallion in a soft but urgent tone. "Lumiareeraa desi   
maarria goaa…" The translation was: "hurry up you darn horse or we're all dog food!!"  
  
The few moments that took Yumi to cross the forest seemed like years. Finally, she   
reached the border, a river that separated the lands.  
  
Yumi crossed the river and paused on the far bank.  
  
The black and white riders had stopped on the opposite bank.  
  
"I don't know how to swim," whined Sanosuke.  
  
"I am not getting my new komono wet!" stated Megumi.  
  
Okita drew his sword and smiled at Saito. "For the Shinsengumi!"  
  
Misou glared at Okita before pulling out her shrunken. "We're not going to let you get   
away with stealing all the glory. Right, Aoshi-sama?"  
  
"…"  
  
"For the Oniwabanshu!"  
  
"Sa, sa. Now, don't fight, de garzou."  
  
"Having a hard time controlling the troops, my baka deshi?"  
  
"Master! Please not in front of them!"  
  
"Is that her," drooled Okina. "What a babe!"  
  
Kenshin cleared his throat and spoke loudly. "If you would return that ring, Shesha   
would be most grateful, Yumi-domo, de garzou."  
  
Yumi franticly looked from bank to bank, not knowing what to do since she did not read   
the script. "Oh, Shishio-sama!" she wailed.  
  
With a puff of flame, Shishio appeared.  
  
*The author also appeared from a puff of…well, something that should not be in a PG   
story. "Shishio Makoto! What do you think you're doing?! You're not suppose to be in   
this scene!" The author practically threw the script at Shishio.*  
  
"Your methods take too long. I will take over the world as quickly as possible." He   
snapped his fingers and the Juppongatana appeared from the woods behind him. "I have   
taken this opportunity to gather my special attack force. Together, we will crush the   
imperiralistic Meji gov-" His words were cut short by Kamatari's squeal. Shishio turned   
and finally took a good look at his Juppongatana. His face paled and his jaw dropped as   
he suddenly realized the transformations they were forced to endure for this crossover.  
  
Kamatari had tripped over his long dress, the gifts he held were now scattered across the   
ground as was his long blond wig. "Aaa! I broke the Mirror of Gladariel! Seven years   
bad luck!"  
  
Fuji held huge green stems, just beginning to bud. "I shouldn't be here. I'm not suppose   
to appear until the next movie," he spoke in his deep tone. "I'm some kind of tree, I   
think."  
  
Cho, Henya, and Iwanbo sat on the grass, barely able to stand in their huge synthetic   
rubber feet. Cho and Henya again began to pout.  
  
Anji just scowled, long blond hair flowing from underneath his cap. A long bow held in   
his hands.  
  
Usi looked even more unhappy with a sword at his belt and a huge shield strapped to his   
back. A yellow Wal-Mart smilie-face grinned from the middle of the shield.  
  
Hoji, still chanting Shishio's name, was covered in dirt so thick he was barely   
recognizable.   
  
Shishio quickly composed himself and moved close to Yumi. "I need Soujirou's strength   
for this battle. He's the only one in any condition fight them."  
  
"But, he's unconscious."  
  
Shishio glanced once again at his attack squad. "That's what I mean. He's the only one   
who has a chance at fighting. Get him to Saizuchi."  
  
Yumi found Saizuchi near the edge of the forest. Elder Saizuchi was standing next to an   
old oak tree, seemingly talking to it. He was gesturing wildly.  
  
"Saizuchi?"  
  
The old man kept talking to the tree.  
  
"Saizuchi?!"  
  
Once again, he ignored her and continued his detailed explanation on why grass was   
really purple.  
  
"SAIZUCHI!!!"  
  
"Huh…?" He finally turned. "Ah. Yumi-chan. Nice of you to visit."  
  
"I need your help, Saizuchi-san."  
  
"Smelt? Well, you should be fishing, then, instead of talking to me."  
  
She blinked. "No. I…need…your…help."  
  
"You seed my kelp?"  
  
"I NEED YOUR HELP!!"  
  
"Ahh…" He pulled off one of his fake elf ears. "Can't hear a thing with these on. Now,   
what were you saying?"  
  
She resisted the urge to kick him half-way to Mount Doom. "Shishio-sama needs your   
help. We need the boy-o for the fight with the Black and White riders."  
  
"Well, that's logical, since Soujirou-kun is the strongest. So, what's the problem?"  
  
"Well…" She pointed to the unconscious Soujirou on the ground, near her horse. "He's   
not very good at fighting at the moment. Can you help him, Saizuchi?"  
  
"Of course I can help him. Sheesh. Youngsters these days…" He cackled as he   
examined the fallen figure. "Actually, he should be okay now he can get some air."  
  
"Nanni?"  
  
"Logical analysis states when you were ridding with him, you were holding him rather   
close and he couldn't breathe pressed against you like that." The grin on his face quickly   
disappeared with her shriek.  
  
"Pervert! Pervert! Pervert!!"  
  
A soft voice was then heard. "Hello, white horsie-san."  
  
"BOY-O!"  
  
"Ohh…my head…can you keep it down, Yumi-san?" Soujirou groaned. "Have I been   
drinking again, Yumi-san?"  
  
"No, but I think the author has. You were hit with a powerful attack." She knelt at his   
side and ran a hand though his hair. "Are you okay, boy-o?"  
  
"Okie dokie smokie." He grinned and slowly came to his feet.  
  
She shook her head. "You're weird, boy-o."  
  
A voice from the woods made everyone jump. "We are the Shinsengumi! Well, at least I   
am. Prepare yourself!" A young man with a short ponytail stepped from the trees, a long   
light blue jacket on his shoulders.   
  
Yumi sniffed at the newcomer and turned to Soujirou. "Finish him quickly, Boy-o. You   
have many other enemies after him. And remember, you're getting paid by the hour and   
Shishio-sama HATES giving out overtime." With Saizuchi, Yumi walked back to   
Shishio's main group.  
  
The two young men faced each other. Soujirou drew his favorite sword. He blinked.   
The same sword faced him.  
  
"Kikuichimonji Norimune?" they asked at the same time.  
  
Okita looked at Soujirou, who smiled back. It was almost like looking in a mirror.  
  
"Sugoui…" they spoke and nodded in unison.  
  
"Shinsengumi."  
  
"Juppongatana."  
  
In the same movement, they both sheathed their swords. "Sugoui!" they again spoke at   
the same time.  
  
"Seta Soujirou."  
  
"Okita Soushi, but my real name is Okita Soujirou."  
  
"Sugoui!" they again spoke, and, arm in arm, headed back to the battlefield.  
  
It was a gruesome sight. Kenshin and Shishio just glared at each other, in some strange   
staring contest. Everyone else either kept their distance or was competing in some minor   
exchange.  
  
Hiko and Fugi sat cross legged across from each other, fiercely engaged in a battle of   
rock, paper, scissors. However, with Hiko's Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu advantage of reading   
his opponents, he never lost much to Fugi's dismay.  
  
Kamatrai and Okina, to the old man's delight, were battling it out in a game of Twister.   
  
"Right hand on Red," Misou called out.  
  
"Hee hee…" He froze. "W…wait just a moment. You're not a woman!"  
  
Kamatrai just giggled.  
  
Okina's scream could be heard half the land away.  
  
Anji and Aoshi sat side by side, eyes closed, breathing slowed. Obviously, they were   
seeing who could meditate the best.  
  
Sanosuke's brow crinkled as he sat in thought. The mind of his opponent was much   
further learned than his own. Yet, he knew if he kept cool and studied his options, he   
would become victorious. A light appeared in his eyes. "G…" Sanosuke spoke with a   
grin, looking at his board. "…5!"  
  
Hoji began to choke and sputter in rage. "YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!!" He   
screamed, picked up his board, and threw it across the field.  
  
However, all eyes turned to Soujirou and Okita when they emerged from the forest, arm   
in arm. They smiled.  
  
"We decided we're too cute to be in RK," spoke Okita Soushi.   
  
"Yes. We quit. We're going to Broadway and perform in A Tale of Two Soujirous,"   
grinned Seta Soujirou.   
  
*The author, and almost everyone else, sweat-dropped.*  
  
"Ahous…" Saito rolled his eyes and took out another cigarette. After lighting it, he   
carelessly threw the match behind him.  
  
An ear-shattering scream was heard.  
  
The man all in bandages, who happened to be the greatest fire hazard, was now ablaze   
screaming "Hot! Hot! Hot!!"  
  
Again, if any more details are explored, this will no longer be a PG fic. Let's just say   
Shishio perished like old produce left in the fridge for way too long.  
  
*The author started to cry. "Now what am I going to do?! My Aragorn just combusted!!   
This story is in ruins!! My reputation as an author is going to be for failed fan-fics!!"*  
  
"Do not, worry, April-san. I can perform Aragorn and-"  
  
*"Shut up, Soujirou…" The author glanced up to find Soujirou and Okita staring at her.   
A thought entered her mind. "Okita…" A grin appeared on her lips. "Okita Soushi…"   
A dreamy look appeared in her eyes.*  
  
Soujirou poked Okita in the ribs. "You better start running when April-san gets a look   
like that."  
  
Okita blinked. "Really?"  
  
He nodded. "Really, really."  
  
"Okay, then. Later." With a flick of his ponytail, he was off running.  
  
*The author started after him. "No! Wait! Come back! What about your Shinsengumi   
code of honor? Hey! Don't stick your tongue at me!! Get back here!!"*  
  
Usi scowled at the two running figures. "Why do we get these third rate parts?"  
  
"YOU get the third rate parts?" Henya tried to stick his pointy nose in the other's face.   
"Look at me! Of those four I'm stuck with, I'm the only one with brains!"  
  
Anji laughed and unconsciously brushed at his long blond hair. "Brains? You get beaten   
by an eight-year old kid!"  
  
"What are you laughing at, pretty boy?! You get beaten by Sanosuke! By   
SANOSUKE!!"  
  
"At least I died by Saito's sword." Usi grinned.  
  
"You're the only one who died," laughed Henya. "Na na!"  
  
"What about me?" Kamatrai stomped up to the trio. "My part of Gladariel was   
skipped!" He sniffed. "And I had the perfect dress picked out." He scratched his leg.   
"But, this pantyhose and these high-heels are killing me."  
  
The other three slowly, but not too slowly, moved away from the cross-dresser.  
  
Kenshin walked up to Soujirou who was watching the author swing the script at Okita.   
"Soujirou, I think it's time you find your own path, your own truth."  
  
Soujirou glanced at the charred remains of Shishio and sighed. "Well, Himura-san, I   
think I will take your advice. Being a bum and living down in Florida for a few years   
does sound nice."  
  
"But…I didn't…I said-"  
  
"I'll find my own truth, don't worry. Here's your ring, Himura-san."  
  
Kenshin just stared at the ring in his hand. "A…aragato…"  
  
"I guess this is goodbye, for now. Do you know where I could find some cheep   
sunscreen? No? Well, then, I'll be on my way." He waved and sku-kuchi-ed down the   
road, pausing only to smile at the men in white coats dragging the ranting author away.  
  
And they lived happily ever after. Well, kind of…  
  
***  
  
Hiko rolled his eyes. "Well, this story was pointless."  
  
*"Hey! Don't blame me! If everyone learned how to read and follow a script-!"*  
  
"So, April-san," smiled Soujirou, "what is next for us?"  
  
*"Well, when I find Okita Soushi, we'll see. Maybe I'll do a drama. Or a musical!"*  
  
Aoshi shrugged. "Try Shakespeare. I always wanted to play Hamlet."  
  
*The author smiled and nodded, smiled and nodded."  
  
Kenshin walked up to them, tears flowing down his face. "Orooo…" he wailed.  
  
*"What's wrong, Ken-san? Didn't Kaoru like the ring?"*  
  
"That's the problem. She loved it. Now she wants the matching earrings…"  
  
*"Oroooo…"*  
  
  
The End, I think…  
  
  
  
The author would like to apologize for this story. It would have turned out much better if   
more of the characters had glanced at the script.   
Any comments, questions, or feedback can be sent to April-san at   
gollum1974@yahoo.com  
Any flames can be sent to Shishio Makoto at ruletheworld@hell.com (he likes to read   
those)  
Thanks for reading.  
  
Supplemental material  
  
Special thanks to Linda and Jenna at work for their input on this story and for putting up   
with their insane, RK obsessed supervisor. To my sister for pushing me to finally publish   
one of my stories, no matter how weird it is (and for helping me with my Shinsengumi   
costume *grin*). And to JRR Tolkien-sama, Peter Jackson-sama, and Nobuhiro   
Watsuki-sama for their wonderful imagination and creativity, so people like me can   
parody it. A very special thanks to all the authors on the Tales of the Meji website for the   
inspiration. Domo Aragato Gazimas. 


End file.
